That seems like an great way to sum up my life right now. I wanted this blog to be mostly about books and such but it’s turned into a ranting and rambling blog instead. I have been and am having struggles to Depression the past couple of days and its the scary kind of feeling, the one where you feel down and nothing is helping it even the medication. No amount of tea, drawing, sleeping, eating is helping it and I still feel completely numb but down at the same time.
I don’t want to smile or laugh and it’s as if i’m standing at the edge of a cliff or playing one of those games where you rapidly press the button to keep something in the middle of this bar but if you go to far one way that’s it. If that didn’t make any sense well I don’t know haha. My thoughts feel like that right now, if I don’t keep that little arrow or whatever in the middle then all the bad thoughts and my worries will come crashing over me. I guess it’s the same as wanting to open a door and curiosity is calling your name like a siren, wanting you to open that door because you’re curious as to what is behind it. Maybe it’s like having a passed love one waiting behind that door, you don’t know if as soon as you open that door if you will feel nothing or everything you ever felt and feel will hit you.
I’m struggling so much right now and my family… well they have only ever cared about themselves anyway. What do you do when everyone in your family as a victim complex? and they spent years breaking you and now they turn round to you and curse you? Say how bad you are, what you aren’t doing saying they are “worried about you” but when you cut yourself when you were 13-15 and cried for help every night and still do, had to go to the doctors because of depression they all became awkward and turned away because they didn’t know what to do. Well what about learning? I guess they aren’t those kind of people.
They told me I have gotten nasty and I thought, no I’ve just started speaking my mind and standing up for myself because if no one else is going to, I will.