So today I’ve been doing some thinking (damn it’s only 9:47 and I’m already thinking deep) I have just seen a blog entry written by someone who is dating a person with mental illness and I must say I did tear up a little. Now this is where it gets quite personal…
For some ground work I don’t have a good track record in ‘Love’ and up until like 2015 I still had the Prince Charming complex but anyway…
Back in November last year I started dating this guy 28 and a new teacher at a secondary school, we met on Match.com (I was drunk back in April and thought why not?) Anyway he was lovely, held the door open for me, brought me a drink, he let me walk with him not pushing me behind and all this other really gentlemen like actions that my father doesn’t even do for me (another long story there somewhere) but like real life a supposed Prince Charming isn’t always perfect, he stopped texting me first and eventually I was the one to be making the effort more often than not, he wanted no strings attached and he didn’t turn out like I thought he would on his profile.
After Christmas I said to myself I will not be doing this and let myself be more me and if he wants me I am here. I opened up to him about my struggle with depression and anxiety. He asked me something that sticks with me, this is how the conversation went;
“Does your family know?” He asked
“Yes, but I don’t expect them to help or know what to do. It’s hard to deal with” I replied
“Doesn’t matter, they know and should be at least helping or understanding more”
Needless to say I couldn’t reply after that because he was right. I had a row with my Nan the other day and she said she doesn’t know what to do with me and I said then educate yourself. My family all sit around because my Mums side of the family as so out of touch with human emotions and what they have isn’t proper emotions just masks because they sit around judging you if you even shed a tear. The least they could do is take Depression seriously… but they don’t. My uncle said to my Nan ‘In a year she will look back at this and laugh’
I wish I could have said “I hope I’m still here in a year”
Because this isn’t a joke, it’s not funny and in all honesty my family I don’t know what a loving one is like really because I don’t think they really know how to. They are scarcely intelligent but Intelligence and Emotion do not always go hand in hand because logic wins out causing those who have a lot of it to wonder why someone is crying not understanding that they are different. We are all different and unique but instead of trying to disregard how someone feels, try to understand.
I went off track for a bit but anyway back to this guy, basically we went on a date, I didn’t feel well and hadn’t had my tablet that day, drunk too much basically threw up on out date, he told me whilst I was covered in sick and crying “I don’t know if I can do this”
Then basically left me in London drunk, sick to get home on a train…..
The rest of the conversation we had a week later basically went along the lines whatever somebody says. I didn’t cry I kinda knew two months ago (this was In the middle of January) that I couldn’t see myself with him, he was 28 and still immature which is not wrong at all but we were not compatible. I didn’t need him to help me with my mental health because I have had to help myself for years but he seemed to think he had to. I don’t need help from anyone because I have had to do this alone for a very long time now. I want a future with Kids and a husband, cats, dogs a stable job with enough money to be able to see my family in America twice a year and holidays, buying books etc. He, I think realised he still wanted fun not a relationship which is fine.
Maybe he is someones Prince Charming but he isn’t mine, I don’t need a relationship to feel validated, I would like one, but I don’t need it and as long as my Prince Charming wherever and whoever he is (Seriously where you at dude? am I gonna have to come save your ass?) knows I am my own Princess (well Queen god dammit ) then that’s fine.
Damn long blog post but I had to get that off my chest! It feels good to get out.